Saturday, October 24, 2009


It's not "natural", "normal" or kind
The flesh you so fancifully fry
The meat in your mouth
As you savour the flavour


I wish I died today. Everybody should have the right to die. But this curse... I can’t stand it anymore. We, the grubs, sleep in a cocoon, but just a few of us become butterflies.
I'll go where nobody can see me, where the light can’t hurt me, where the cold burns only the good ones. I didn’t get used to the smell of earth yet, or to dampness, or to faded flowers. Today, more than ever, the creatures of the night frighten me. I don’t want to live in shadows.
I wish I died today. I wish I had not killed him. There is no worse condemnation than killing what we love. However, sooner or later he would have died. Now I am doomed to live this life, painted dull in gray scale. Today I will teach him to hunt, and then he will go away, like the others. It’s always the same, dead or alive everybody goes away but me.
I don’t want to be a friend of the flowers that scent on the stars. I won’t fly in flocks with bats. I won’t talk to the owls. Today I wish I saw the rainbow. I wish I were human again. I would like to be a mortal. Yes, I wish I died today.
I could wait until the sun sets and walk nowhere, get to a hidden place and take shelter. I could wait until dawn, and let the sun consume me. But I'm afraid of dying.
I’ll have to quench my thirst again. I could get up and peep through the window to see if it's true what they say about the sun, but I am afraid of getting blind. Dead and blind. Is there anything worse? I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking. All I can feel are these walls oppressing me. I'm a fruit locked in a can: If I stay, I’ll end up rotten. If I go, my remains will be devoured.
Today the ravens may come and get me, and I’ll tell them that I may be dead, but I’m not carrion. Today I can be broken apart even though I won’t feel any pain, because when you’re dead only your soul hurts. They can stick me daggers, but they won’t make me bleed.
Today I am dry water, a flexible bone, a speaking wall. Today I am everything the others want me to be, but nothing that I want to be myself.
Because today I want to die, but I can’t. Because I have to wait until night to come out of this coffin. Because I fear that this coffin is nothing but my own body.

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